Being Happy Starts Now
by zmt
Summary: I did this for yuletide, going through a writer's block so I don't like it too much both in style and plot but I have so few stories up I'm going to add this one to the collection lol. This is just how Lyra, Will and Lee feel.


"Sleeping with ghosts  
It's such a lonely experience  
The stars are out tonight  
Only they can hear you breathing

You're so like a rose  
I wish you could stay here"

-Garbage

**Will**

_Being cheerful starts now... _

I walk slowly away from the last portal which will ever be opened by my wavering hands. I drop the dull shards in the nearby bin. How easily said, but so hard to follow! Mary is some way in the distance and I follow her instinctively; holding in my turmoil. Kirjava pads beside me, a soundless comfort; it's amazing how there is no need for words to be exchanged, yet it feels as if she understands me inside and out. Of course she would though, I might not have seen her until recently, but she's always been inside me- part of me.

A voice flows around my head in quiet turmoil: "If we meet someone...and marry them..." So softly said- I can't even fathom how I'd ever find anyone else who understood me so fully, how will I ever get over my love for Lyra? So soon, it was all over so soon. Fate is brutal, but we've come this far. We made the right decision, or so I hope. It all seems so vast, so out of my control- what's being asked of me, of Lyra too... I wonder if she's still standing there, forlorn but with that determination burning in her eyes. I've always admired that obstinate streak, more than once it gave me the spirit to go on. What will I do now that she's gone? Kirjava nudges me and I look down. She knows how I feel; she's feeling the loss as acutely as I am. Her comforting weight settles into my arms and together we mourn; Lyra might not be dead, but it doesn't change the fact that we'll never see each other again in this lifetime. At least with the process of grief, we can begin the process of healing, or so I'm told. The stars shine brightly tonight, and I remember her lying next to me. Alone; tonight I'm alone, with only the company of the ghost of my imagination to appease me.

**Lyra**

Watching the last inch close, I see Will vanish from my life forever, and what a long desolate life it seems now. My smile falters painfully then dies altogether. It's just too hard; too soon, each pulse in my heart agonising- like being pummelled with a giant fist. An arm wraps around me; warm, comforting, yet not the ones I want. Pan mewls in sympathy, his anguish one and the same as mine. I know this is necessary, but how much sorrow must we endure? It all seems so cruel. Our time together cut so short... but would I have rather have never met Will? No, no and no- but to see him in so much pain, after all that we've done and been through... Fate is ruthless.

I know I have to move on, but at the moment it seems impossible. A gentle tug at my arm urges me to move; move away from Will. I want to stay here forever but I know I can't, and Pan and I follow reluctantly. I take my first step away from Will, each additional one tearing at my heart anew.

- - -

I don't know how much time passed but I find myself aboard the ship once again. This time my cabin is empty, no Will to reassure me, to hold me or love me. Once I would have screamed my woe out but not now. This is much too private, too sacred.

The time we had together, however short- and it was short, heartbreakingly so- was and probably will be the best time of my life, no matter what we went through. As I lie back with Pan I reminisce about Will and the task set to us. Us... I like that; it implies we still have a connection with each other through our purpose, something other than memory alone. For now I shall have to accept it, accept that we will never again be connected through body, only in soul after death. Reunion... A smile flickers briefly, how I look forward to seeing him again! A lifetime isn't too long surely in comparison to all the ones that have been and gone already. I know things will get better, the ache will fade, but I doubt it will ever really go away. In the meantime though, Pan and I will carry out our task. If we don't, then abandoning Will would have been for nothing, which would break me, completely and utterly.

**Lee**

The war from our side is now over; Hester and I are reunited, and we drift where we like. I wondered if we lose consciousness once dispersed, but at least parts of me it seems can still think. Is this how dust is made? Either way it doesn't bother me anymore.

What does though is seeing the child so unhappy. I want to reach out for her but I can't. Even in death we still want to look out for her. Hester and I drift down and surround her in an invisible stream but I don't think she feels us. I'll never regret dying for her, seeing her desolate but alive is heartbreaking, but as with everything it will fade to a bearable level one day. As they progress back, away from the last portal that will ever be opened, I see her hesitate, but as she's learned, wishes rarely come true and the prospect of forever is usually flawed. Staying there won't bring Will back, so she slowly walks away. Already, she's begun another journey to find wisdom. I can see what it's costing her, yet she's doing it. She's a fighter, that's my girl, so worn and frail, but she'll be fine, in the end, where it matters. That familiar flame still burns on inside her, she's suffered, she's lost the ones she loved, but she's still whole, not broken, nor even permanently damaged. She'll grow to be extraordinary. Fate is brutal, but then there's a glimmer of hope; maybe they'll meet again one day in life, maybe not Lyra's Will, but a Will from her world. They'll be together again one day, either way, perhaps in life, but certainly in death.

End


End file.
